Life isn't rainbows and puppies... but I wish it were!

I haven't written for a little bit because I've been facing a difficult time. I generally like to keep difficult times as private as possible. Sometimes so private that those closest to me are shocked when they discover that I'm struggling.

But I'm realizing that life isn't always full of rainbows and puppies and everyone knows this. I don't have to pretend that mine is. I've had epilepsy for five years. It gradually took over my life and got to the point where I couldn't get out of bed. I clung to my bed because the sensations it caused were so overwhelming. The struggle is something that I don't like to go back to and, actually, I recently discovered that there are parts that I can't go back to. I came across diary entries from three years ago and had no recollection of that time. I blocked it out. And that's good. Why revisit it? I threw the diary entries away.

I'm talking about it now because I feel myself inching back to that time. In just the past few months, I've rediscovered Meghan. I had a surgery that took about a year to start reintroducing me to myself, and it has been the most amazing experience ever. I was never one to take anything for granted, but to lose everything, then to get just about all of it back is indescribable. Going to a movie is a whole new experience, going out and laughing with friends makes my heart swell, planning something a week or more in advance is something that I no longer have to hesitate to do. If I'm going to cancel on you, I better have a darn good reason! I've still had my bad days when seizures have snuck up on me for a day or two, but this used to be an everyday affair. Usually, I might be out with friends or at work and feel something for about five minutes, and no one even knows.

That was until my job changed a few weeks ago and my sleep schedule was turned around. I've had to be up at 3 am. I really thought this would be okay, as long as I got eight hours of sleep. I was wrong. Everything has gone wrong. Even the healthy people in my new department can't function normally. After a week of it, I began to worry. After a week and a half, my brain began getting mad. After two, I knew that I needed to be responsible and put my health first. I've only known my old self again since last fall. I don't want to lose her.

It's a struggle. When I reunited with Old Meghan, I wanted to pick up where we left off. I thought, Hey! You're back! The last time we were together, you were planning steps to start your career! Lets go at it, full speed ahead!! So I did just that, and it turns out that I'm not the same 20-year-old Meghan. On the inside, I am. I'm positive, bubbly and excited to run with life. I like taking chances and seeing where I end up. Basically jumping in with my eyes closed and hoping that the best happens. It's just that I have to realize that there is a little tweak to this Meghan. She feels pretty good, but she actually does have epilepsy and has to take that into consideration. She can't just go and wake up at 3 in the morning and think that she can function without epilepsy knocking on the door. She can't handle extensive stress, only life's usual stressors. Epilepsy doesn't have to rule my life, but it makes sure that it has a say.

I was going to say that having epilepsy is a constant guessing game. I always have to test the waters and learn my boundaries. Then I realized that, really, life is the same way. Things are thrown at you and you have to adapt accordingly.